we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
