It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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