Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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