Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
