I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Are we still banned from the library?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize