i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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