Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
