We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
