i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Randomize
