I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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