You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We need a shit load of segways right now
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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