Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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