Just mADE A PArabola og urine
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
