I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
