i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
