i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
