I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
