Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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