Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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