hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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