this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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