there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
