and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize