I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize