Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
