I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
