I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
