So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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