yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
