Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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