my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This is classic penis vs brain.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
