dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize