Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
