I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
