and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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