smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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