On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The air was thick with penises
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
