I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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