You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
