Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
