Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
