there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
