Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
this is an emotional support booty call
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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