can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
