My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
