There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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