I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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