I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
