Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You need a sexual gate keeper
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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