it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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