i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
