My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
