i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
