We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize