If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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