I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
