Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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