I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
