I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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