She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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