Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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