I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Randomize
